Many people already know that I’ve suffered from (and kicked
the butt of) generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder and ocd since
childhood. I’ll talk about it openly and
see no shame in this. I try my best to
not let this interfere with my daily life and, in fact, I feel like my
struggles sometimes empower me because I know I can get through anything. However, after giving birth, I was faced with
a whole new, unexpected problem that hit me like a tonne of bricks upside the
head and knocked me down for the better part of a year: postpartum
anxiety. If you’re like me, you’ve never
even heard of such a thing before. I
suspect it’s more common than it appears but goes undiagnosed or is
misdiagnosed as postpartum depression, which is an entirely different
beast. I just want to share my story so
that other people know they’re not alone and that there’s a light at the end of
the tunnel.
I’d had an enjoyable pregnancy with few concerns (I was that
kind of pregnant lady you’d love to hate), my c-section went smoothly, my
hospital experience was uneventful, and Jack was a happy, easy little guy. Of course, there were the regular after birth
annoyances like sleepless nights and not being able to find time for showers,
but while these normal things were distracting me, this new evolved form of
anxiety was drawing ever nearer.
In the hospital, I was in a ward of 30 women and I was the
only one with her baby rooming in. I
couldn’t imagine being away from him for even a second after he was born, but
that seemed like a matter of personal choice or maybe a cultural
preference. I was in the hospital for 4
days and, despite recovering from a c-section (including severe referred pain
in my shoulder), coping with the never-ending cycle of breastfeeding/diaper
changes, and only having two hours a day to visit my husband (because visiting
hours here are really that crappy), by far the worst part was walking around
the corner to go to the washroom. I had
so many irrational fears about what could happen while I was peeing: someone
was going to take him for vaccines and I wouldn’t be there to hold his hand,
someone was going to disregard my birth plan and bathe him or give him formula,
someone would switch him with another baby and another mom would leave with him
but we wouldn’t notice for months or years (this was particularly irrational as
he was the only white baby there). It
was always such a relief to get back to my hospital bed so I could be with him
again. Even at the time, I knew these
thoughts were out of whack with reality, but rationalized it as crazy hormones
running amok. Really, the postpartum
anxiety had started lurking in the corners of my mind.
After I was released from the hospital, I had trouble
leaving Jack, even with Harold (which is ridiculous because he’s the best dad
ever). It got to the point where I had
trouble even walking to the other end of the room, let alone shower or take a
nap, because I just couldn’t be that far from him. It was the most intense separation anxiety
ever. Because of my c-section, I couldn’t
get on and off the bed properly (it’s a pretty high bed), or lift Jack from the
crib. Not wanting to wake Harold for
help every few hours, I created a little bubble where Jack and I stayed in the
living room, him in his pop-up travel cot and me on the couch, an arm’s reach
away. This seemed practical and Harold
respected the fact that I needed this bonding time. I felt safe and comfortable with this, waking
a million times a night to check his temperature, his diaper, the room
temperature, or to make sure that he hadn’t died of SIDS or sepsis. I figured this was probably fairly normal for
a new mom and it was just sleeplessness playing tricks on me. But this time, postpartum anxiety was ready
to pounce.
While Jack nursed one morning, I opened my Facebook to see
my newsfeed flooded with images of a drowned little Syrian refugee boy, washed
up on the shore. I could absolutely not
handle it and that father’s pain became my own.
I looked at my boy, sleeping peacefully in my arms and that’s when my anxiety
finally swept me away. Actually, I still
can’t write about it without crying, so I’m just going to leave it at
that.
After that, my need to be with Jack at all times only got
stronger. I cried in the shower, I
freaked out while pouring a bowl of cereal, and I held him close at night,
determined to protect him from all that was wrong in the world. I initially only had ten weeks of maternity
leave. I was still trying to figure out
my new role as a mother and I had to go back to work and spend the bulk of my
day taking care of other people’s kids instead.
The guilt from that seemed insurmountable so I called my principal
crying and told her I couldn’t possibly come back to work. She was so understanding and supportive and
told me to get a doctor’s note for a longer leave. In the end, I had seventeen weeks, which was
still nowhere near adequate, but I was grateful for any extra time I had with
Jack.
At my post-birth checkup at the clinic, I told them about
how I was feeling and they set me up with a psychologist at the hospital. I still go to appointments with her every few
months and she has taught me about mindfulness and meditation.
While back at work, I initially cried daily, while
attempting to live in the moment. I was
so jealous of Harold and all the time he got to spend with Jack so I would
Skype them and text constantly, wanting to know every little thing. I spent 2-3 hours a day pumping (and having a
love-hate relationship with my pump because I was glad that I could supply for
my baby, but hated that it wasn’t directly).
I also resented my job. Those who
know me know that I love teaching, but I couldn’t get into it last year. I just kept repeating to myself “If I was
home, I’d still be on maternity leave.”
Luckily, my co-workers understood this and gave me lots of support.
Now it has been over a year. A few weeks into motherhood, a friend (who is not a mother and could not have anticipated how anxiety would take hold of my life this past year, but is obviously incredibly wise) told me that the first year would be crazy, and nearing his first birthday, I'd feel the fog begin to lift and things would start to normalize. She was right. I had the whole summer off to spend with Jack and if I was at home, I’d
be back to work too so I’m feeling much less resentful of my job this
year. I’ve slowly worked my way up to being able to leave Jack, not just for
work, but for my own self too. The
opportunities are few and far between (thus is the life of a busy mom) but I
now feel like I can go to the spa or karaoke without feeling guilty. Eventually, I’d like to go back to my writing
group, rejoin the choir, or finish my cake decorating class, but I’m not ready to miss bedtime yet though or be away in the evening after working all day, so I know those things will
come later.
For now, the important thing is that I’m finding balance, I’m
getting adequate time with Jack while still working (and providing for our
family is an important job!), and the anxiety is not gone but is very much
under control. I feel at peace with things.
