A Guide to Grieving for the Exceptionally Dense Acquaintance

This is a rather belated Thanksgiving post, but I need to get this off my chest.  At 5 months pregnant, I’m working on emotionally healing from my miscarriage and just need to lay this particular issue to rest.  

Back in October, I declined a last minute Thanksgiving invitation from someone I didn’t know very well, whom we shall call J, because I wanted a weekend to just relax with my family and maybe have a bit of alone time.  Also, it was my birthday weekend.  I was still deep in grief from the loss of our baby in June and also still unwinding from our summer in Canada, dealing with a month-long bout of toddler jet lag.  At that point, I was still crying a lot and only wanted to be around close friends.  Here are the exact words I texted J back with: 

"Thanks very much for the invitation!  It's very sweet to be thought of.  I think we're going to decline though. Honestly, I'm just not sure I'm ready to be that social yet.  Aside from at work (which is emotionally draining to keep up with), I seriously haven't had a single social interaction since my miscarriage that I haven't cried during. And that hasn't been much because I really just can't do stuff.  So again, thanks so much for inviting us, but yeah, that's where I'm at right now.  I'm a mess."

So, I was pretty honest (my mistake); I’d hung out with close friends and cried because that’s where grief had brought me, and they supported me, but I didn’t want to go have dinner and make small talk with a bunch of people I didn’t know well or at all.  (You’d even be hard-pressed to get my extremely introverted self to do that on a good day.)

What followed was what I can only describe as meddling insanity.  J, who I’ve only seen about five times in my life, bombarded me with texts telling me how I should and shouldn’t feel, before copying and pasting my messages to a mutual friend and sharing a few unsolicited opinions about me with this friend.  Out of respect for my friend’s privacy, I just silently blocked J on social media, removed myself from all moms’ groups that involved her, and tried move on with life without the confrontation I truly would have loved.  It has since all come out in the open and I’m sure this insatiable gossip has been sharing her deluded stories, laced with fake concern, with many people.  I want to share my side.    

The whole incident angers me most because I was grieving in a normal way and my grief and tears felt cathartic and progressive.  Then she came in, hijacked my grief, and replaced it with anger.   

So in case anyone is reading this and wondering, hmmm, what is appropriate to say to someone I don’t know well who has suffered a miscarriage, I would like to offer up my new guide below.  Direct quotes will be provided in italics, as applicable.

What Not to Say: A Guide to Grieving for the Exceptionally Dense Acquaintance

1. Share someone else’s private information

As the saying goes, misery loves company, but I don’t need to hear that other mutual acquaintances are going through loss as well.  If C had a miscarriage at the same time as I did and P had two failed IVF treatments last year, and they wanted me to know, they would have told me.  That’s none of my business and a violation of their trust for you to tell me.

2. Tell someone they’re being unfair to their current child

DON’T. EVER. THROW. MOM. GUILT. AT. ME. 

I may struggle in some areas of life, but one thing I’m certain of is that I’m a great mom who always puts her son first, even if she feels emotionally and physically stretched to the limits (which I’m pretty sure is just part of being a mom and not necessarily anything to do with loss).  By grieving the loss of one child, I’m not doing an injustice to the other.    

3. Tell me what you think I need

"I know the heartbreak is horrible but staying in and avoiding social interactions is not good for you especially for this long."

Actually, I wish part of this statement was true and that I had a long time where I could just stay in, but actually I go to work 5 days a week (where I am a teacher and have to use a lot of energy and be constantly "on") and do things with friends several weekends a month, whether it’s a playdate for my son or much needed girl time.  All things being equal, I could go months without talking to another living soul and not miss a beat; staying in and avoiding social interactions is how I recharge, and that is not something that needs to be fixed. But I do enjoy spending time with friends. 

4. Tell someone you remind them of their friend, right before their friend committed suicide

"I have had a good high school friend say similar things to my group of friends in high school she started not going to school etc and cried all the time and ended up committing suicide. Your message sounded like she could have written it and so even if you say you don't need help your words came from somewhere and it honestly doesn't sound like you don't need help."

Where do I even start with this one?  If I had been suicidal (which I absolutely wasn’t), being told that I remind someone of a friend who committed suicide might have actually justified those feelings and pushed me to the edge.  Also, fix your grammar and sentence structure. And as a side note, I’m annoyed that she kept pushing this "getting me help" bit... I’ve been very open about my anxiety struggles -panic disorder and GAD, not social anxiety- both on my blogs and in real life.  I have a degree in psychology, so I am well-educated and see no stigma in this.  I’m quite self-aware and don’t need someone who doesn’t know me or my history telling me what to do.

5. Project

 "I have been concerned for a long time about you because I see so much of my anxiety in you and I feel I understand where it comes from..."

and

"…I knew how it is to try to leave the house and was trying to help and make the situation perfect for you to get out and enjoy yourself I guess i took it to heart too much in trying to help you."

Here, she was actually referring to before my miscarriage.  I have no trouble leaving the house due to anxiety and didn’t need help with that prior to my loss, at Thanksgiving, or now.  Sometimes I just don’t want to go anywhere, especially not with people like J.  The specific incident she’s referring to is that I didn’t go to her son’s birthday party because it was outdoors on an incredibly high pollution day (because, well, China) and I have asthma. 

6. Share my private information

The rest of these points are from stuff she texted other people about me, after screenshotting/ copying and pasting my messages, out of context.  Seriously, who does that?!

7. Push me when you don’t even know me 

"She didn’t go out much before her miscarriage but her answer this time is really concerning."

Yes, I didn’t go out much before my miscarriage because I’m an introvert and a mom… not because of depression or anxiety.  I nurse my son to sleep every night so have little interest in drunken escapades downtown.  I prefer bedtime stories and trying to convince my son to brush his back molars, followed by a little downtime after he’s asleep, watching reruns of Arrested Development and Frasier.  (Though invite me to afternoon karaoke or Sunday brunch and I’ll probably go!)  

8. Dictate when someone should be finished grieving

"From June to October and she is still unable to go out and is admittedly in this much depression.  I am seriously concerned."

Um, I wasn’t depressed… I lost my baby and had a common reaction.  Is there a 4-month expiry date on grief that I don’t know about?  Here, hold my drink while I push my healthy, normal feelings under the rug so I can appear to just get over it for the sake of your comfort level.

9. Suggest they are faking it

The two options presented to my friend were that I either needed mental help for serious depression "...or was exaggerating and trying to make things sound extreme as an excuse so I would totally understand why she didn’t want to leave the house and not come and not challenge her coming.  Which in itself is very horrible.  So either way she really needs to investigate getting emotional counselling because nothing about that message and the subsequent ones she sent after were ok."

This was the final straw for me.  Everything else she sent to both me and my friend could be written off (if one is feeling very generous) as well-meaning, but misguided.  This, however, is just downright despicable.  I don’t need to say anything else because it speaks for itself.

Whew!  That feels better now.  Thanks for listening, internet audience!